It’s funny that I am reminded, by my birthday coming up, of my age. What is funny is that I always forget how young I am, people think I am older and I do too but I’m not, it’s just that I am more mature mentally. Everyday I am surrounded by immature idiots at my school who are actually older than me and I think that I am older because even I am more mature but I’m not older. I forget that in a way I am still a kid, but in some ways I am an adult. I am growing up on the outside but I don’t know how much more I can grow up on the inside. I’m not saying that I grew up too fast because of anybody but I know that I did grow up early/fast. Thank goodness because I could be one of the idiots I am talking about but luckily I am not, I am quite the opposite even though I can have my moments. It is really hard for me to be around these people who are immature because I expect them to not be that because I am not but I forget that they had different circumstances, they didn’t have to grow up as fast and if they did they really don’t show it. It’s not always a bad thing, it does give me an advantage in life but sometimes I don’t remember what it was like to be a kid, I forgot over the years, I know that physically I am not an adult but in a way I mentally am. Sometimes I do wish I could have that memory of being a kid but then I remember that my mom did, and is doing, her best and I don’t blame her at all, I thank her for preparing me for the world outside of the house. So yes, my mental age is probably 21 (a mature 21-year-old) but I am still a kid and I forget that so when that is how people treat me I get mad but the truth is that I am not totally ready to be out on my own, I am still a kid and sometimes I just need to be reminded of my real age.
Imagine if. . .
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t walk or dance
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t see the people you loved
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t smell cookies in the oven
Imagine if. . .
You had no one
Imagine if. . .
The most important thing in your life was gone
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t feel joy or a tender embrace
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t imagine anything at all
Imagine if. . .
You never got a chance to live while you were living
Imagine if. . .
You couldn’t speak your mind
Would you be the same?
Walk all the time and dance for life
Look and notice things you never noticed before
Make cookies all the time
Love the people you have no matter how mad they make you
Cherish your favorite thing
Feel what you can even if it is sorrow
Imagine things you know can’t happen just to imagine
Live your life to the fullest everyday
Say what is on your mind and tell the truth
No one would be the same
Vacation
School is practically my life so when I get a break from it I am excited. This year I got to go to my aunt’s house which is great because we hardly get to see my aunt. Although I do miss my friends I am always happy to get away from school and all the work involved. I am not the only one that loves a vacation and I know that I have to enjoy this type of vacation while I can because when I have a job I will hardly ever get vacation time, like my mom. Vacation is even more fun when I can spend it with my family especially the family I barely get to see. I am looking forward to a fun-filled summer with my grandma at the lake and at her house. Tomorrow we are going to a hotel and I love hotels, they are so much fun because they are like “a home away from home”. A bad thing is that I always miss my family at home (my mom, my cat, and my dog). Sometimes I get home sick but then I am alright. Can’t wait for the lake to get a great tan. Thank you for reading this blog.
Fear
Fear
–noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
The top ten fears are snakes, speaking in public, heights, being closed in a small space, spiders and insects, needles and getting shots, mice, flying on a plane, dogs, thunder and lightning, crowds, and going to the doctor. Most everybody has a fear and that includes me. What I am most afraid of are insects that fly, mostly moths. What I hate most about them is that they are unpredictable, they fly when and where they want and for some reason moths scare me so much. Others that aren’t so bad are ladybugs and butterflies. The top ten fears that I stated aren’t the only fears that people have, those are mostly fears of objects while some people have fears of trusting or getting close to someone, these are fears that are most common but are least admitted. The definition of fear is pretty clear but there is no definition of how to not be afraid of these things anymore. I wish I knew how to not be afraid of moths because summer is the time they come out and I wish I knew how not to be afraid to trust people who I don’t. Fear is developed at a time in our life when we have a traumatic experience with, what we now, fear. Honestly, I don’t know why I am afraid of moths, I just know that they scare me to death but I do know why I am afraid to trust people. I trusted my dad because he was my dad and when I was little that was all I needed to trust but now that I have grown up and that I understand that him being my dad isn’t enough to just trust him I don’t trust. My dad broke my trust and I only trusted him to love us and not to leave us, us being me, my sisters and my mom. I trusted him to not cheat and to not choose her and yet he let me down on every account so that is why I am afraid of trusting. Until something happens to me to where trust isn’t broken I am going to be afraid of trusting and because of my dad I will be cautious to whom I get close to and to the friends I share my deepest, darkest secrets. Fear might have a very clear definition but it doesn’t explain how to overcome these fears that I have, how to trust those that I don’t. Although it doesn’t explain this I do know one thing, I know that we fear what we have had traumatic experiences with and that is probably where you should start with overcoming your fear. Thank you for reading this blog.
Second Chances
In all of my life I have always believed in second chances, that people should be able to make a mistake and get another chance to fix it but what if you have given them way more than two chances? What if you are tired of giving chances? What if they take those chances for granted? I give second chances but the person I feel that I give too many chances to is my dad. I know that everybody makes mistakes and when they do people forgive them and give them another chance but after a while of them making the same mistakes, or doing the same thing, you don’t want to give them anymore chances. That is how I feel with my dad, I try to forgive him and when I get close to forgiving him he does something that pushes me further than before. My life has been nothing but giving him chances and trying to forgive him but it has gotten to the point to where I am sick of it and I no longer want to give him chances. I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore. Every time I give him a chance he blows it and I just get hurt again and I am not strong enough to do it anymore, not just that but I am so tired of it being the same thing over and over again. This is my relationship with my dad and it’s sad, thinking about it makes me sad, it shouldn’t be like this but it’s like he is pushing me away. One day I am never going to give him another chance because every time I am disappointed and I am hurt, he emotionally hurts me and I can’t deal with it. Our relationship is falling apart as I type this, forgiving him is just as hard as the last time but I have to try again. I shouldn’t have to forgive him for anything like this but because of him I do and he makes it so hard for me, when I even get close he does something stupid and then I step back. At this point it feels like I am never going to be able to forgive him because of him and I wish our relationship wasn’t like that, I wish it was like it used to be when I didn’t know what he did and he taught me things like how to hit a softball or when we layed in the hammock in the front yard together. I liked it better when I was his little girl, when I thought the world of him because he was my dad, he was like a superhero but then I grew up and realized he wasn’t, he was the person that broke my family. I hope that someday I can forgive him, I hope someday that our relationship will be mended and I will be his little girl again but all I can do is hope and even that doesn’t fill the place in my heart where my father should be. Thank you for reading my blog.
Growing Up Too Fast
My sister is two years younger than me although she does look older , and sometimes acts. She is a little bigger than me in the chest area and she happens to be a couple of centimeters taller than me. She might be younger than me but she doesn’t want to be, she is always trying to seem older. When we go out she tries to wear lip gloss or lip stick and she asks my mom if she can wear eye-liner. My mom says ‘no’ of course because she is not old enough. I am starting to learn how to drive so my mom will let me drive to her friend’s house which is in the neighborhood and my sister will get upset about it and pout because she can’t drive yet. She was jealous that I could drive, she is jealous that I am able to do these things before her because I am older but she doesn’t know how much I am jealous that she doesn’t have to do them first. Being the oldest, and doing these things, is hard because I am setting an example, everyone including my sister is watching me and waiting for me to make a mistake. It is not easy nor would I want for her to have to experience this scared feeling. When I drive she is in the backseat and I am so nervous that I could make a mistake, like get in an accident. Growing up is not as fun as it might seem, she wants to grow up so fast and I wish she wouldn’t because she has this chance to be a kid and she is wasting it by trying to grow up. She is taking her childhood for granted and not seeing what she has, she has the chance that I don’t feel like I had which was the chance to be a kid. I’m afraid that when she grows up she will regret not using this chance because I know that I would have used it if I could have. I only want for her to not want to grow up too fast because one day she will regret it. Thank you for reading this blog.
Not in the Mood
Today my mood is not so clear just like the sky and how it is raining and cloudy. I feel upset and mad but I also feel happy and like I want to just laugh for no reason but so far the ‘upset’ mood is winning over my body. It has been like this almost the whole week and I wish I knew why. I normally call this mood “blah” but this is not the same mood because it is like the mood that after a while I start to not be able to breathe and I am tired and want to cry but don’t really have a reason and even when there is a reason it isn’t really clear. I am under a lot of stress right now with it being the end of the year and teachers have decided to make it harder than before. High School is very over-whelming and I can’t wait for this school year to be over so that I can have a little of a break. I have not been in the mood to talk which is different for me, ask anyone, and I don’t know why I just don’t feel like it anymore because I have so many feelings that I wouldn’t know where to start or who to talk to. I don’t like to talk to anyone about how I am feeling because it makes them sad and I hate when people are sad because of me. Right now I am just not in the mood to talk. I wish I was in the mood to talk and I know my mom is going to ask me what I want to talk about but I don’t know what I would tell her, I just don’t know anymore. Thank you for reading this blog.
I Miss My Mom
For spring break me and my mom are going to New York and I am so excited. My mom have been taking calls so that she can get more money for the trip and I am glad, kind of. She does two to three jobs and goes to school at night, it has been a really long time since we have had a time to just sit down and talk about life. I miss it so much and I know that she works these jobs for us and she is going to school for us but I miss spending time and just talking to her. Monday through Wednesday night is when she goes to school and I go to dance or church and we don’t see each other until at almost ten thirty every night. When she passes tests I am so proud of her and I love her and I know that she is trying her hardest but sometimes I just wish we could stay home and talk about how school is going or about the drama going on between my friends. I do have a best friend who is a great listener and I am very thankful for (her name starts with an M and ends in an ‘addy’) but no one can replace my mom. After she reads this she might feel bad but I want to let her know that I am proud of her and that I know that she is doing what she is doing to help our family financially but I wish there was a way to help our family emotionally. I will admit that it is hard for me when she goes to school every night or on Thursday nights she had phone calls but it is what she feels that she needs to do and I am backing her up 100%. When she goes to school I will wish her good luck on her test and on the weekend I will watch “The Good Wife” with her so that she can practice, all I want to get our there is that I miss my mom.
Like father like daughter?
Every other Friday we go to my dad’s house to spend the night or we just go over to spend time and we play games. My dad is really competetive and every time he dies in a video game he gets mad and blames it on someone else even if it wasn’t their fault. Especially when we want to have fun when we play the games he tells us that it is our fault that he died because we are messing around but we just want to have a good time. Me and my sister stayed up last night and we played Mario Brothers and she pushed me off and I got really mad and then I realized how much I sounded like my dad and I was mad at myself. My dad has a temper, and that is one of the many things I inherited from my dad and I hate it. I want to be a better person than my dad because he is really mean and competetive and I don’t want to have either of those traits from him, I don’t want to be like him and if you knew my dad the way I know him you wouldn’t want to be like him either. I was playing Rock Band and I was on hard, I was doing good and I wanted to show my dad because I thought he would be proud of me but he said, “oh you are missing a lot of notes.” my mom would have been like, “good job.” but of course my dad had to point out the negative. I just hope that when I am a mom I won’t be like him, I can’t be like him. Thank you for reading my blog.
Always My Fault
I am the oldest of three and I will admit that I can be pretty mean. Every once and a while it’s not me that is mean and maybe I’m just defending myself but my mom gets mad at me just because sometimes I can be mean she never thinks it’s my sisters’ fault. Now a lot of the time I am not the only one who is mean but I am the only one who says something, that might be mean, in front of my mom. My sisters might seem innocent and helpless but they are just as mean as I can be. It is tough being the oldest and it makes it worse to be blamed for things that aren’t always my fault. Now being the oldest is for another blog but this has a lot to do with it. I really just hate being blamed for things that aren’t always my fault. Thank you for reading my blog.
